Bruce's Weight-loss Journey

In Canada, Monday is Thanksgiving. Not to be outdone, Caroline is working on a major project. It’ll be turkey with a keto-friendly gravy, keto-friendly stuffing (dressing), some really interesting-sounding keto-friendly dinner rolls, and cauliflower mash, all homemade. We’ll also be having my former roommate, Rod, over for dinner as well. All I can say is thank you, Caroline, for working so hard to make this meal special, and I know it will be. Someone very kindly gave us a food processor. I suspect she didn’t have it lying around her living room, like I’d said in my original message here, but wherever she did have it, she kept it in great working condition and Caroline has already made a lot of use of it. So I’m looking forward to Monday. The smells in this place should be wonderful.

I hadn’t realized how hard the holidays are going to be for me this year. Our church is preparing a Thanksgiving dinner to go, wit all the delicious stuff – potatoes, stuffing, buns – that I can’t have. I feel awful that this bothers me so much, because Caroline is trying so hard to make delicious food, and she’s succeeding, the food she makes is delicious. But I still feel I lost an old friend with all the foods I can’t have. I feel as though no one else is struggling. All I hear is people saying, “Oh yeah, it was hard for a while, but now I don’t even want that stuff anymore.” Maybe not, but I do. I honestly don’t think I’ve gone for a month without potatoes before, ever, since I started eating them. Maybe in six months or a year these cravings will go away, but they haven’t now. I so wish I hadn’t opened that e-mail from church. It was stupid of me … I wasn’t thinking, I just thought oh, they’re going to make the church Thanksgiving dinner workable for us. Everyone els, yes. But us, no.

We’re closing in on the two-week mark with Keto. I’m proud to say I haven’t cheated once. Has it been hard? You bet. You’ve probably read my previous post to this blog by now.

In some ways this is easier for Caroline. She has noticed incredibly dramatic improvements on her blood sugar level. This is a huge incentive for her. I’m thrilled for her, that has to be exciting. But I’m not diabetic, not even close to it (a fact that absolutely amazes everyone). I did some continuous blood sugar monitoring late last week and early this week, and my lowest level was 3.6, while my highest was 4.3. Usually I stayed between 2.8 and 4.2. So there’s not a lot of excitement for me on the blood sugar point … my doctor also could never figure out why I’m not diabetic. The other thing that works on Caroline’s side a little is the fact that she put the plan together based on her dietary likes. There’s nothing on it that she doesn’t like. Me? I’m starting to like broccoli a little, but I’m getting sick of the stuff. Cauliflower is taking some work … I’ll eat it, but I haven’t gotten to where I like it yet. Both vegetables’ cooking smells absolutely disgust me. They remind me of stagnant water. Try as she might, Caroline still hasn’t, and won’t, convince me to start eating mushrooms.

All that said, Caroline has been busting her butt trying to find keto-friendly recipes and alternatives that I can enjoy. She is trying so hard to make this as easy on me as she can, and I am so blessed to have her as my wife. She’s an amazing gift to me from God.

One of the sites Caroline found was Wholesome Yum The woman who runs this is absolutely amazing. The recipes are fun, designed to offer appetizing alternatives to sawdust, and are written in a humorous, noncritical manner. If you’re going to check this site out, give yourself some time, because you’ll be taking all kinds of rabbit trails. This is appropriate for all kinds of diets, including Atkins. Nutritional information is given.

Well, that’s it for today. Hey, does anyone have an extra food processor kicking around that is just taking up too much space in the living room?

Today has just plain stunk.It’s been an expensive day, I had to read a book I really disliked, I’ve been wanting McDonald’s and bagels and toast so badly, and the thought that this whole stupid keto thing isn’t just temporary, but I’ve lost so many of the foods I love for the rest of my life makes me feel incredibly without any kind of hope right now. I absolutey hate this. What’s the point of being healthy if you’re utterly and totally miserable? Yes, I’m going to keep on. As much as I want to break into a huge bag of chips and drown my sorrows in a big bottle of real Coke, I won’t. Right at the moment I can’t say why I’m sticking to this. I won’t see anything noticeable for years, I have nothing to look forward to, the one sport in the world I care about is the one sport that they went and canceled, I can’t even enjoy being a beta tester for my screen reader because the beta messes up my computer at the moment. What is the point?

And the nights are even worse than the days. You lie there at 2 in the morning, daydreaming about the foods you miss, no snacks, no one to talk to (who wants to be woken up at 2 so I can be grumpy?), and you can’t sleep for the pangs of longing. Which of course just makes me even more irritable in the day. At this rate I’ll be the healthiest grump with no friends on the planet.

One of the interesting things about the keto diet is what is actually allowed in it. Bacon, eggs, and cheese all fall into this category, and they do go some way toward compensating for the things I’ve had to give up. I’ve grown up all my life being told that bacon is just about the worst thing you could ingest. But not according to keto. Eggs always go back and forth between being good for you and not being good for you. Well, with keto, they’re good for you. Cheese? Who doesn’t love cheese?

Do they make me want my bread, rice, potatoes and pasta any less? Do they make me miss beans, corn, sweet chocolate, chips, pie, cake, and toast any less? No, But it is nice to be aware that keto is more than just sawdust on a plate. Yeah, there’s lots of sawdust too, but there are good things to look forward to as well, so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much.
If you look at Caroline’s Blog, which I can’t recommend highly enough, you read a lot about what goes into the preparation of these foods, as well as the challenges that Caroline also is facing alongside me. But you’ll also get filled in on the exciting things that are happening with her diabetes. If you think the keto diet can’t make any difference, just read Caroline’s blog and be prepared to be amazed.

Well, here I am again. I know it’s been way too long. Why? Partly out of embarrassment … things just weren’t working for me, and I felt feel, extremely ashamed of myself. I had been talking so big about how things were really going to work this time, blah blah blah. I felt like an alcoholic that everyone feels sorry for but no one thinks there’s any hope, the person everyone feels so ashamed of.

So I realized that, for me, the “everything in moderation” idea just wasn’t working. I needed something stricter, because on my own I’m just a weak invertebrate.

So what to do? The spirit is most certainly willing, but the flesh is so incredibly weak.

My first thought was to go to an all-liquid diet. This really appealed to me, because it would have meant I’d be drinking the same thing day in and day out and I wouldn’t have to eat things I didn’t like: find the liquid supplement I don’t mind and go from there.

But Caroline appealed to my inner Jack Benny and pointed out how expensive these can be. She was looking at something for herself too, and liquid just wasn’t turning her crank.

Enter the keto diet. Like with any diet, it means that I will have to give up four things I really hold near and dear to my heart: potatoes, rice, pasta, and, gulp, bread. But, since Caroline and I are both carnivores, the fact that quite a few meat products remain available to me is very appealing.

So we decided that today, September 7, would be the beginning of keto for both of us. Caroline de sided to start a blog of her own, and I would pluck up the courage of posting again in this one.

How confident do I feel? I don’t know, the analogy of the alcoholic scares me to death. I don’t want to say “this time for sure”, because I don’t trust myself enough to say it.I do know that I’ve got to try, really, REALLY, REALLY try.I’m already missing potato chips, cashews (which, being my favorite nut, are of course the least keto-friendly), and regular Coke. No, no more “you can still have the occasional Coke” for me. Caroline is excited. I’m not. But what I am is determined. Am I determined enough? I honestly don’t know.

Prayers, thoughts, money, whatever, are all appreciated. Okay, I’m not really asking for money.

So here’s how the first day went. Breakfast was a yogurt concoction with cocoa powder and berries, with almond slivers on top. It basically tasted like the most bitter pudding ever invented, and it was a struggle to get down. Supper was a cauliflower bake with really delicious pork chops. I forced down the cauliflower first, then moved on to the delicious pork chops. But I was so stuffed I couldn’t finish the pork chops. That’s one thing about this stuff, it makes you full.

If you want to find out more about the plan itself, and about the prep and so on that goes into the food, Caroline’s blog goes into a lot of that stuff.

I have an extremely good friend. This person has just recently undergone bariatric surgery. The results for this person have been remarkable, in only two short months, from major reductions in clothing size to no longer being a type-II diabetic. I care about this friend very much and want very much to be kept informed about their progress (so if you’re reading this, friend, please don’t stop telling me your progress, it’s important and I want to know), but I have to admit to being extremely jealous. I feel like the things I have to achieve before the doctors will touch me are so insurmountable … there’s just no hope to latch onto. I’m getting weighed next month, and I am beyond terrified that there will have been no progress, still no light at the end of the tunnel. No, it’s not jealousy, I’m truly thrilled for my friend, no ands, ifs or buts about it; jealousy implies I begrudge them what they’ve achieved, and I do not, not in the least. No, it’s not jealousy, it’s … it’s longing. I want something tangible, not just two fewer pounds on a chart, not just numbers, but something tangible. I don’t feel better for eating better, I don’t feel healthier, I don’t feel any smaller, where’s the tangible? I’m going to keep at it, but right now I feel doomed to keeping at it because I’ll never achieve this goal I have to reach before the rela noticeable stuff can begin. Sometimes I just feel like success is for other people, that my job in life is to cry myself to sleep longing for something I’ll never have.Is it covetousness to wnat the same thing as what another preson has? Am I bad for longing for the same kind of dramatic results? Why am I being punished, not by my friend, but by the circumstances in my own life that conspire to keep me forever looking in from the outside, like a child watching his schoolfriends play but knowing he will never be among them, no matter how much the grownups in his life tell him how special he is? God, what lesson do you want me to learn from all this? How does it glorify you? Is there a point to all this? Am I condemned to a life of trying, for whatever greater purpose? Is there nothing I can hold onto to give me hope, nothing I can tangibly look forward to, nothing that allows me to say, I can count on this?

I started off by calling this post jealousy, and I’m not going to change it. But the good thing about writing all this down is that at least I know I’m not jealous, not even a little bit. I am so happy for my friend and the new lease on life that they have been granted. I want to hear about it, I want to share in their newfound joy. So whatever I’m experiencing, at least it’s not jealousy, how could I live with myself if it had been? That would have been wrong on so many fundamental levels. At least I’m not a toal low-life. But the longing, the wishing, the being a kid looking in on a life he knows will never be his, that remains.How much more of that must I take, how much more of that can I take? Above all, why, to what end?

Hi everyone,

It’s been a month now since I’ve updated you all. It’s been a very busy month, with the move and the holidays, along with a huge workload.

The holidays were something of a setback. No, I didn’t eat anywhere near what I’d been eating before this weight loss journey began, but I still did eat too much. I attended a Christmas party for the Manitoba Deaf Blind Association. It was a wonderful time and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Aside from meeting some new and wonderful people, the food was first rate: delicious meatball,s perogies, stuffed chicken, and the most incredible bread. The Deaf Blind Association is wonderful – it’s tough accepting that I am deafblind, but it’s important.

Christmas Day was a quiet one, spent with the woman I love. We’d originally planned on having someone over whose wife died recently and would otherwise have been alone on Christmas Day, but he was hospitalized and unable to come. My prayers remain with him. So it was just Caroline and me, but we had a wonderful time, and Caroline’s Christmas dinner was wonderful – potatoes and ham.

On New Year’s Eve, my best friend and his family spent the evening with us, and that was super-special. The ladies went to the pool and the men sat around the new (wonderful) apartment, talking about man stuff. Yeah, whatever. We didn’t officially make it until midnight, but I lay in bed and was listening to the radio at midnight.

I am feeling very disheartened about the future. So many uncertainties, so much … unsureness. Yesterday was one of the most depressing days I’ve had in a long time. I’m trying all sorts of things from a Christian perspective: much more Bible study, reading the Bible in one year, more prayer. But still, my mood is on a downward spiral that seems to be increasing in speed. I love our birds. The little guys just make me smile, I’m so grateful for them. But … I don’t know, I just need something major in my life to give me hope. I’d hoped that the next time I wrote to you, I’d be able to say yeah, things are great, I’m feeling so much better now that I’ve cut out or nearly cut out all the food I’ve held dear. Aren’t you supposed to feel that way? That’s what all the health fanatics tell me. But I’d be lying through my teeth if I said that’s how I feel. I have no tangible goal. My goal is a bunch of numbers, and beyond that, a surgery that I desperately want but which seems millions of light years’ distant, not to mention infinitely into the future.

So there you have it. Hopefully the upbeat post I really want to write will happen soon.

There are a lot of feelings to cover in today’s blog entry, and not all of them are warm and fuzzy, so tighten your seatbelts.

First, I do want to thank everyone for your encouragement. Since I started doing this public blog on the subject, I have not received one hurtful or mocking comment from anyone. There’s been some tough love, to be sure, some admonition, but I need that along with the encouragement, and I am so thankful for all of you who read this, all of you wo think and pray about me and what I’m trying to do.

That said, I am also feeling some of the negative effects of having gone public with this whole thing. The biggest is having to answer the same questions over and over and over again. ☺ I know that these questions are asked in love, I know people simply want to know the progress I’m making, and I know I’ve gone public with this because I want to keep people updated and to be held accountable, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s hard to deal with sometimes. You feel like you’re getting the third degree from prosecutors, and when it’s over, you feel like you’ve let, and are letting, everyone down, especially if you’re not taking the exact path and going at the exact speed well-meaning people think you should be going down. Please don’t worry about the grammar in that last sentence. 😕

This is a heavy-duty experience for both Caroline and me … we’re moving, trying to set up a home for ourselves that is truly our own and done the way we want it done. I’m making radical changes in my lifestyle, and Caroline is right beside me, making changes to hers and being incredibly supportive. It’s the holidays, we’re trying to coordinate the generous help people are offering, walking the line between showing gratitude but at the same time making sure that our new place is set up on our terms, since we’re going to be the ones living here. The outpouring of help has been wonderful, and we are certainly grateful.

I know this last, the part about the apartment, is not directly related to my bariatric surgery, but it’s a huge part of my life right now, and one of the things about life is that huge parts of it tend to affect and be affected by the other huge parts of it.

We had a family gathering on Saturday. I knew this was going to be a bit rough, because it was going to put to the test a lot of my resolve when it came to food. I talked to my dietician beforehand, and she told me to enjoy myself but to not go overboard. So I went into the gathering having decided two things: I was going to take one plate full of all the food I liked, no seconds; and I was going to skip dessert. I succeeded, for the most part. I had one plate of food, it was as incredible as I’d hoped. I skipped the pies, the chocolate trifle, all the wonderful things I would have loved to eat for dessert. I did have a few chips, some peanuts and some popcorn as a snack halfway through the afternoon. All I drank at the gathering was water and one glass of skim milk. The one area where I failed somewhat was my mom’s homemade buns, which are so much better than anything one would buy in a store. I think I had four of these, plus two more Saturday evening when I got back home. Okay, I wasn’t perfect, but I did a lot better than I’d feare.

I’m trying to be the best person I can be, to make the right decisions. It’s hard, because I am incredibly imperfect, but I am trying. Caroline is amazing through all of it: the dieting (oh I hate that word), the move, everything. I knoww some may not approve of everything we’re doing and how we’re doing it, but we’re trying our rectums off.

Thank you, every one of you, for bearing with me as this journey continues. I know I am loved, cared about, and respected for what I, we, are doing.

Well, it’s been an eventful week. One thing it shows me is that I have a lousy track record when it comes to optimism. I always expect the worst, like a dog you read about in those books who cringes at the back of a cage expecting to be beaten.

In this case it was the new apartment we’d applied for. All through this process, I’ve been expecting, and waiting for, the worst. I was so very convinced that we would not be approved for the apartment. But we were. I got the keys yesterday. We’ll be keeping both apartments through December, so we can have a whole month to move. I’m praying we find the help we need to effect that move.

On the subject of bariatric surgery, I’m surprised at how very common this surgery is. On Monday I talked to yet another friend who, much to my surprise, underwent that surgery as well. She’s already given me some advice, and is willing to talk to me about it at any point. I’m so grateful to the number of people who have shown support to me, offered encouragement, even a bit of tough love at times.

I’ve started a walking regimen now, to complement my eating better. I’m starting slowly, but have a route I take around the apartment building hallways twice a day. I guess I’ll need to come up with a new route when we move. Maintaining this regimen is at least as tough for this lazy person as the food intake changes, but it’s also at least as important.

And, on another note entirely, Go Bombers!!!!! I’m predicting we’ll win the Grey Cup tomorrow, 30-28, against Hamilton.

Well, Lisa, my dietician, and I had another phone meeting today. It’s always such a joy to talk to her – she is a very fair person, she acknowledges what I’ve done, and she makes doing more of it seem so much more doable. I’m very grateful for having her expertise available to me. I came away from the meeting with a renewed sense of optimism … the goal of losing a hundred pounds still seems like a pipe dream, but I’m keeping at this, I am determined. And with Caroline at my side, well, who could ask for more?
The other news to report is that the new apartment has not fallen through. It’s going to be a different apartment than we had anticipated: it’ll be straight down from where I am writing this, same apartment but on the first floor. Lots of advantages here: if we have spring flooding that affects the elevators, as happened in 2009, I won’t have to climb twelve flights of stairs to get home. We’re also planning onkeeping our existing apartment alongside the new one for the month of December, which will give us a whole month to do the moving, so anyone willing/able to help us can do so at their leisure, and we have more freedom to set things up exactly the way we want them. I’m already hearing “No one arranges my kitchen for me!” from Caroline.

So on Monday we fill out the application and submit the damage deposit. This new apartment is newly-renovated, has blinds on the windows, has a bigger bathroom door (our current one has to be seen to be believed), had a built-in dishwasher, double sink, and carpeting in the bedrooms, among other advantages. This is just really exciting. I’m not sure the birds are looking forward to the move, but we’ve promised them the quickest transition possible. “Squawk” was their response. They’ll just have to deal with it.

And that package that got me all bent out of shape? UPS is graciously willing to redeliver it today. That’s it for now. Can someone please pass me a grain of rice?

This thing has affected me in so many ways. Today I’ve been expecting a UPS package delivery. I’m deafblind, so it’s not always easy for me to hear the knock on the door. The birds were being particularly noisy when the UPS driver attempted to deliver, and I missed my package. This should not bother me, certainly not as much as it has bothered me, but I feel as if my world has come to an end, all because of a stupid package. There’s a part of me that even wants to take it out on the birds for being so noisy, but that’s just stupid, they were just being their usual cute selves and they did absolutely nothing wrong. I’m the only one in the wrong, as usual. But it still shouldn’t bother me, but it does.

And, one last time …

 

There are so many ways to accomplish one task in so many areas, and that includes blogging as well. Sadly, the original idea that I had for email subscriptions didn’t work out, and for that I apologize. If you recently filled out the form to subscribe, please do it again, and this time things should work. Bruce will also be reaching out to all of you who previously subscribed. Thanks again for your patience as this site evolves.

Friday night, as you no doubt guessed, was a tad bleak for me. Okay, that’s kind of like saying that the Pacific ocean is a bit on the damp side. But I made it through that, thanks in no small part to the thoughtful comments received right here in this blog, and even more thanks to God, without whom I wouldn’t even be here.

Things still seem insurmountable. I still feel like I’m giving up all the pleasures in life with no returns for years to come. But the dejection isn’t there like it was. I’ll take gloomy resignation over utter dejection any day.

But that’s what this blog is for … it’s me being brutally honest. If I’m anything less than honest and forthright in this blog, then this blog becomes meangless.I’m also writing this so that, decades from now when the doctors deem me worthy of the surgery I long so much for, I can show them I’m taking this all seriously. Following along with me in this blog is not going to always be pleasant, not all happiness and joy, but I promise you it will be real; what you read is what you get; and what you get is my honest feelings, struggles, victories, and setbacks.

A couple of administrative notes: We’re having trouble with the e-mail notifications for new entries. We have no idea why. Also, near the top of the blog, you will find links to things and organizations I mention here. Right now we have links to my clinic and to the air fryer I’ve been raving so much about. More to come, I’m sure. In the meantime, I will hopefully dream of an anything-goes food day, or vegetable juice that tastes like Coke.

What have I gotten myself into? I knew this process wouldn’t be immediate, but I didn’t know I’d have to wait this long. I just found out that I’m going to have to drop a hundred pounds before I get the bariatric surgery. I can’t imagine doing something like that unless it takes years and years to do! I feel like I’ve lost all hope. I’ve taken so many of my favorite foods away from me, so many of the things that used to make me happy, gone, and what do I get in exchange? Some vague promise that if I achieve the impossible, the doctors will humor me. What do I do for enjoyment in the meantime? And what would happen if I got a heart attack? Sorry son, take an aspirin and come back to ER when you’ve lost a hundred pounds and we’ll help you? I’m so alone! And I know I have nobody to blame but me, I did this to myself, not anyone else, no one made me into a blubberball except myself. I am such a miserable, wretched, pathetic and total failure! I’m very much loved, I know that, but I sure don’t deserve any of it. It’s all my fault, all of it.What do I have to look forward to in life now? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I was looking forward to moving into a new apartment, but I bet that falls through.What’s left? What do I have to hold on to? Every time I take a bite of anything at all, I’m flooded with guilt, I can’t help but feeling that with every bite I’m setting myself back, even a sallad is adding another year to this wretched process. I’m going to keep on keeping on. I’ve started this, I’m going to finish it. But right now, I feel that the fun part of life is over for a long, long, long time.